reflections on aging and entering the invisible age
Ok, yes, I’ve been naughty. They say the secret to a good substack or blog, in addition to the obvious ‘good writing’, is consistency in posting. Fail. Sorry. What can I say? Life is busy, fraught with challenges, juggling commitments, dodging and catching curveballs. Like most writers and readers here I imagine, we are all wearers of many hats.
Recent weeks have brought a few things to my door – my mother was hospitalised following a cardiac event (all good now!) but a bit stressful, requiring hours of pleasant but draining face-time chats with her and my sister for remote support; kids have been on the horn, as my father used to call it, more frequently of late with their various challenges and needing support, a deadline for a work project which, while fun, meant a lot of time hunkering down, nose to the grind; and we’ve just finally signed a house sale agreement and, with a few short months till the move, have had to get rapidly into gear with our off-grid farm project planning (see The Citrus Grove).
Also, to be honest, I don’t care. I think I’ve reached the age or a stage in life where a) I don’t want to compromise my values (and the importance of family is one), and b) I don’t want to be tied down or restricted too much by schedules and would prefer to live life as the spirit moves me where possible. I mean, why force oneself to write, perhaps having to scramble to come up with a topic, just because I’ve set Wednesday as a regularly scheduled posting date? Ok, yes, writing takes a certain amount of discipline but I’m not writing a novel here.
Yesterday, having coffee with a friend in a nearby village, huddled on the cafe terrace next to the heater, we chatted about life and the universe as one does. We talked about our roles as daughters and mothers and the challenges of being 50 something in the sandwich stage of life. You know, the period when your 20 something children are leaving the nest but still require support and your 80 something widowed mothers are starting to experience decline in health and requiring more support. We also got to talking about the challenges of being 50 something and entering the Invisible Age.
The Invisible Age! Is 50 no longer the new 40? In any case, a fascinating topic and one that inspired me to share some reflections here. There’s been quite a lot written about the invisible age, most with a lot more academic and scientific weight than my little reflections here. It is something that’s crossed my mind more and more since passing the 50 mark though. Some days I still feel like I’m 19, full of energy and zest for life, and on others I feel 91, a bit tired and creaky. Then I look in the mirror and wonder a bit who is this woman, not 19 or 91, she doesn’t exactly look like I imagine in my head. From where and when did all those wrinkles appear? All the grey hair emerge? and the odd chin or nipple hair sprout? My sister told me recently to stop using black eye-liner because it’s making my eyes look small! I’ve been wearing it since I was 15 and feel a bit naked without it but ok; I’ve stopped. The picture above is some months old so eye-liner still in use. Do I feel invisible though? Invisible to whom and in relation to what?
I certainly felt invisible through most of my 30s and 40s in my workplace. Being somewhat of an introvert, I’m just not a natural at self-promotion and have little interest in it. For me, it was always about teamwork. Clearly that isn’t going to catapult you into senior leadership roles. I did ok but there was a ceiling. So, feeling invisible but not because of age. A different subject for another time perhaps.
In some way, I guess, the issue of visibility doesn’t seem to register that much with me these days. I haven’t noticed any change in how I’m treated since turning 50. Do I just not care anymore? Has my definition of what it means to be visible changed? Maybe I’ve just reached a point where I don’t need external validation, where I don’t have to strive to impress anyone, meet any expectations, or position to climb the career ladder. Maybe we should stop calling it the Invisible Age but the Age of Emancipation or the Age of Self-Actualisation. Whatever! I joke about it being my super-power but, really, so what if I’m invisible. Being invisible does have its perks. Isn’t it the most common super-power kids wish for when they talk about being a superhero? It’s a mindset. It’s freedom.
A lensculture article about the travelling exhibit on The Invisible Age with self-portraits from women between 50-65 notes it’s both an internal and external phenomenon:
…what we’re dealing with is not purely an external phenomenon. The invisible age is also internal. It’s an age of transition. The old euphemism “change of life” referring to menopause may actually pinpoint what happens to individual women at this time in their lives. They undergo more than just hormonal changes. There are physical and emotional changes taking place.
For many of us, it can be a time of goodbyes: parents may die; long-term personal partnerships may end; children may be ready to leave home. This time of life can also be an age of new beginnings: new relationships, new career options including retirement, fewer familial obligations. As a result, women at the invisible age often find themselves struggling to redefine themselves in light of all these changes.
This all resonates and the struggle is real. In my experience, since reaching the half century mark and more so since passing 55, there have been a lot of good-byes and new beginnings. It has been nearly a decade now of transitions. I’ve embraced this whole ‘redefining myself’ thing; have found it revitalising and re-energising partly because I like change I guess. My mum, in her mid 80s now and struggling a bit with a recent diagnosis of dementia, recently said she’s trying to work out who she is and who she wants to be in this new stage of her life. I suppose there are always these critical turning points throughout one’s lifecycle, where we need to stop and reassess. My stroke a few years back was in some way a wake up call to let go of who I was or was trying to be and find out who I am and want to be now. The skill of letting go of the past and embracing the new seems to be key to moving forward through this transition.
There’s also something about mindset and the language we use to talk about aging. The beauty industry invests a lot in trying to convince us that we have to appear young at all costs. As an external phenomenon, if you look old, you’re dismissed – et voila, welcome to the Invisible Age. All based on superficial physical appearance. Truth is there is beauty in every age. In recent news, Jamie Lee Curtis said she is pro-aging and spoke about how we need to look at aging, rather than be obsessed with looking young.
“This word ‘anti-aging’ has to be struck,” she said. “I am pro-aging. I want to age with intelligence, and grace, and dignity, and verve, and energy.”
From an article on the Ageless Film Festival site
Hear! Hear! So important to have role models and wise women, mentoring older women’s voices, to keep us real and positive. As we age, there will be more restrictions and limitations, physical and/or mental, but we are still alive and can still lead fulfilling lives with purpose and meaning whatever that means to us. We don’t have to be invisible or, rather, maybe we should seek to be visible in a new paradigm or context? In marketing, data on its own has little meaning; it’s all about perspective i.e. how you contextualise it gives it meaning and brings insights. I think this holds true in life. How are you measuring your visibility, what criteria are you using, and in relation to what.
There are an increasing number of social media channels promoting pro-aging or, rather, living your best life as you age. There are women only Facebook communities and groups popping up and a lot of wonderful retreats now being offered for women over 50. I love the ones which promote the idea of ‘finding the goddess within’. These may seem a bit airy-fairy, hippy-dippy, or just too damn soulful for some, but many are actually really great! They usually focus on confidence building, self-care strategies, and also the role of female networks in living well. Being visible with other women, holding each other up, quietly adjusting each other’s crowns is a beautiful thing. And, why not, if it helps?
There are also a lot of photography projects which focus on older women and aging which I find inspiring. A few fascinating and uplifting ones which I particularly like include:
- and.Boom is a lovely project by a photographer I’ve been following on Instagram. Check out her website with social media links at and.Bloom
- A recent project by photographer Edo Zollo explores the topic of Beauty in older women
- Real Women, Big Lives is a photographic project appreciating older women in the arts in Northern Ireland
- Article with Emily Stein on her Nora photography series celebrating the vitality of older women
- A celebration of female artists on Facebook recently shared a post about the Eyes as Big as Plates project. This is the link to the website for the Eyes as Big as Plates project. A wonderful project that plays on grannies and Nordic folklore. They’ve now started on a 2nd volume which is more focussed more on nature and includes male subjects. There’s a delightful TedTalk with the photographers below.
They are all a celebration of aging well and about staying visible in some way. The wonderful stories of the women photographed in these projects are all about beauty and vitality – women living their lives, women with something to say. It takes courage and curiosity, I think, to age with the intelligence, and grace, and dignity, and verve, and energy mentioned by Curtis. As Bette Davis once quipped, ‘old age ain’t no place for sissies!’
There’s a fantastic, funny and thought-provoking, TEDTalk here from journalist Connie Schultz on being a woman over 50 and not becoming invisible. ‘Don’t listen to that voice saying ‘no’ in your head,” says Connie, “and don’t wait for an invitation!”
Well, that’s me. Your turn! Any thoughts to share on this topic? I’d be delighted to learn about your adventures on entering the Invisible Age! What’s your story? Is aging your super power? Drop me a note in the comments below. Would love to hear from you…
ciao per ora bellissime sorelle / bye for now beautiful sisters
F ox
PS This post was written on 22/11/23 for my Substack ‘The Blue Stockings Society – 21st C Edition’. Check it out here and subscribe if interested. I’m also hedging my bets on community building with a Facebook community group of the same name where there is more space for people to initiate discussion and perhaps even start a little virtual book club together. Search Facebook for @bluestockings or go directly using this link on Facebook The Blue Stockings Society – women who think, write, create
PPS If you’re going through a transition and think a coach might be helpful, I’m also a life coach and work with women struggling with transitional phases and redefining themselves. I have another substack called ‘Notes from Sardinia’ which is more focussed on my coaching work. You can message me here or at ciao@foxonthego.com or visit my site www.foxonthego.com/coaching/
Thanks so much for joining me here! I’ll leave you with this lovely poem from Maya Angelou…
On Aging
When you see me sitting quietly,
Like a sack left on the shelf,
Don’t think I need your chattering.
I’m listening to myself.
Hold! Stop! Don’t pity me!
Hold! Stop your sympathy!
Understanding if you got it,
Otherwise I’ll do without it!
When my bones are stiff and aching,
And my feet won’t climb the stair,
I will only ask one favor:
Don’t bring me no rocking chair.
When you see me walking, stumbling,
Don’t study and get it wrong.
‘Cause tired don’t mean lazy
And every goodbye ain’t gone.
I’m the same person I was back then,
A little less hair, a little less chin,
A lot less lungs and much less wind.
But ain’t I lucky I can still breathe in.